


Cuts & Scars

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, gender neutral reader, self harm!reader, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 07:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7351672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzuya Juuzou reacts to finding out his significant other self harms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cuts & Scars

**Author's Note:**

> If the tags weren't enough I'm putting another trigger warning here. The subject of self harm isn't danced around lightly, it's semi graphic and I don't want anyone to be in danger so I'm reiterating this.  
> As a recovering self harmer I think I was able to capture this well, but I know the feelings are different for everyone.  
> I don't know what else to say here. If anyone ever needs to talk, you can message me on tumblr: moongirl--x.tumblr.com
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

  
  
_I deserve it._ I drug the blade over the scarred skin of my forearm again and again, watching as the scarlet droplets of blood bubbled up from the wound. Scarlet. Just like the color of his eyes. He would hate it if he knew that I was doing this. But will that stop me? No. _I deserve this, I deserve the pain._

I cleaned the blade and put it back into the small jewelry box I kept them in. I changed out of my short sleeved t-shirt and into one that covered three quarters of my forearm, just enough to keep my shameful marks hidden.

I flopped down on the couch, embracing the searing pain that shot through my forearm when I accidentally hit it against my body. _I deserve it._ I folded it across my abdomen, hoping the carefully planned position appeared casual.

Juuzou, my sweet raven haired boyfriend, the precious boy with the bright smile and wide eyes. The one who risked his life on the daily as a CCG investigator and still came to my house after work each day, wanting to make sure I was okay, wanting to cuddle with me. Bringing me my (favorite snack) when he knew I'd had a particularly bad day.

But he didn't know just how bad my days could get. He could never know. He could never understand how much I hated being at home on temporary leave from work because of my panic attacks and depression. The feeling of being unable to work, unable to do anything, being cursed by my own mind, it's too much. How could he ever understand, when he can do everything? He's so strong, in every way. How could he comprehend that I, on the opposite end of the spectrum of strength, am weak, so weak that I despise myself, so weak that I take my pain out on my body because I can't possibly handle it otherwise? That I can't even go one day without craving the bite of the blade. Hoping that with each cut I'll become a little stronger. But I never do, I never do. _I deserve the pain._

**

Juuzou let himself in with the key I'd had made for him and I sprung off the couch to open it, throwing my arms around him, ignoring the pull of my sleeve over the softly scabbing cuts.

"Hi, my love." I whispered into his ear as I embraced him tightly. He stroked his fingers through my hair as he held me.

"How was your day, Y/N-chan?"

I shrugged, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. "I ordered your favorite movie off pay-per-view so we can watch it tonight."

He grinned and put down his briefcase then flopped down on the couch, patting the space next to him, inviting me to sit.

I did, leaning my head on his shoulder and wrapping my arm around his waist. He was so warm, so comfortable. So safe. Just like home. It was only when he was here that this apartment felt like anything other than an empty shell. In his presence, it came to life. Felt less like a prison and more like a sanctuary.

I felt myself beginning to drift off with the sound of the movie in the background and Juuzou's hand gently stroking my hair.

"Y/N-chan! Wake up." I rubbed my eyes and looked up into his pouting face.

"Sorry Juuzou. I'm just so tired...it's the meds..."

He eyed me suspiciously. "Have you eaten today?" He demanded, raising an eyebrow and staring at me.

I shook my head sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"Your meds only make you sleepy when you take them on an empty stomach. Let's make something to eat together! C'mon, it will be fun!"

You followed him into the kitchen, where he began pulling random ingredients out of the refrigerator and tossing them onto the counter.

"Juuzou, what are we even making...?"

"I don't... Oh! Let's make pancakes!" He said excitedly, putting most of the ingredients back into the refrigerator, leaving out only milk and eggs.

"Do me a favor and get the flour out of the cupboard please, Y/N-chan"

I stood on my tiptoes, reaching for the flour. I didn't notice that the sleeve of my shirt had ridden up. I set the flour on the counter and looked at Juuzou. "What else do we need?"

He didn't answer me, just grabbed onto my wrist, turning my arm over and pushing up my sleeve. It was as if time stopped. My head felt like it was floating above my body and my body was 10 degrees too hot.

_This can't be happening._

I came back to life and gasped, ripping my arm from his grasp and pulling my sleeve back down.

"Y/N...what happened? How did you get hurt?" He spoke slowly, his eyes still fixed on my sleeve that was now hiding the cuts.

I remained silent, unable to think up a good lie for the angry red gashes on my inner arm. I had counted on him not seeing them. I'd gone this long without him finding out.

"Y/N-chan?" His voice was getting increasingly more concerned with each question he asked me. I looked up at him, taking in the crease between his brows that meant he was confused.

"I- I don't remember how I got hurt. You know how sometimes, you wake up with a scratch or a bruise and you don't know how you got it?"

He nodded, never taking his eyes off of mine. I squirmed under his intense gaze.

"That must have been what happened..." I trailed off. I'd never had to lie my way out of this kind of situation before, and I had no idea what I was doing. I usually had no problem hiding my cuts and if anyone saw them they never cared enough to ask about them.

He gently took my hand in his own, rolling up my sleeve and examining the cuts, seeing the many other scars beneath them and all along my inner forearm, in different shades from pearly white all the way to deep pink.

"You... You've been doing this... To yourself? For how long?"

"Since I was 14."

"How could I have missed this? I could have been helping you all this time.. How..."

I shook my head, caressing his cheek with my free hand. "Juuzou, don't berate yourself for missing it. I've been hiding this for years. I'm a pro at making sure no one sees them. And... I'm beyond help. When you've been doing this as long as I have... It's just a way of life for me now."

"No! That's not true. Everyone can get help. Even the people that are so far gone you'd think there's no coming back. You can't just give up on yourself.  I...I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." He looked down. "Let me try to get you help, please?" His sweet voice, lilting up at the end of his plea, tugged at my heart.

I felt hot tears cascading down my cheeks freely, a normal human reaction that had become a foreign feeling to me. How long has it been since I've let myself cry instead of shutting off my feelings with the help of a metal edge?

_No one has ever cared enough about me to try and help me...until now._

I wiped my eyes and nodded. "O-okay, I'll try..."

"Is there anything I can do to help you right now Y/N-chan? I just want to keep you safe."

A new wave of sobs took over my body. "C-can you just h-hold me?" I managed to choke out.

"Of course." Juuzou led me to the couch and sat down, pulling me close to him, wrapping his arms around me. In that blissful instant, I felt safe from myself. I knew that when I was in his arms I couldn't be a menace to myself.

Things don't change with the flip of a switch. But the first step is being willing to try. And with this beautiful soul by my side, cheering me on, many things seem possible.


End file.
